my touch has the timing and precision of a carwreck.

2012-01-19T11:17:00.000-08:00

the door closes , shutting outside voices . my room , silent for a second , reverberates and again , i am engulfed by an ethereal voice , unseen . i want them out , away , removed - they control my mind . i am left - waging wars with myself .

2012-01-18T09:32:00.000-08:00

a life spent

hating

is worthless .

it is

tiring

exhausting

heart-breaking

useless .

in the end ,

you lose

everything .

how do i

get it all back ?

2012-01-18T08:51:00.000-08:00

my eyes , closed . still , i see .

fingers pointed against my back .

my heart , closed . still , i feel .

like all i've loved is lost .

2012-01-10T07:51:00.000-08:00

taylor swift ft. the civil wars - safe and sound

' sometimes a man needs to lose everything in order to find himself ' - Mr. Bravo .

today is another spent uncompleted - unaccomplished . My daily measure of continuous improvement has come to an undesired halt ; today i stay stagnant .

i wonder if you are lost , bored in the midst of my habitual episodes of hopelessness - if you wonder about it ?

If it is uncalled for , brought on in the spur of the moment , spontaneous , or if bluntly put : reasonless .

I want so much to be honest - i am desperate for catharsis . How do i reveal what i am so ashamed of ?

' a life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable , but more useful than a life spent doing nothing ' - george bernard shaw .

2012-01-07T09:39:00.000-08:00

yo homies . diggin' ma new style ? coz i'm trippin' on da east side !

ok enough . whaddup yo . ok i should stop .

i don't really have much to say . 2012 is starting positively ( seemingly ) . i do make resolutions , but i also take them very lightly . this year , that would change . i haven't thought about it but since were on that topic , here are some unprompted aims of the year :

- health . no more silly immersions .

- academic focus . deeper and perceptive concentration in studies

i think this would be it . i don't want to make unrealistic goals that i can't reach . it would only pave the way for learned helplessness .

to life , love , and true happiness .

life -

" a thing of beauty is a joy forever ,

it's loveliness increases ,

it will never

Pass into nothingness . " -

John Keats .

I love John Keats . I can never say enough about him . or sufficiently describe him . he brings words and literature to life

Check him out if you can . His life is tragic , but so interesting ! Watch Bright Star , a film revolving around him . But i think the account of his life was best done by his friend - i think Charles Brown ? Read that ! - it's available on search engines for free !

ok . im done ! Peace yo ! ( God , i should really stop )

2012-01-03T08:34:00.000-08:00

i like to think

( is the picture too emo LOL )

ok well i just wanted to post a picture coz im bored and i really have nothing to do . and i dont think the picture is too shabby heh .

meanwhile , here is a quote to think about .

"The mind is the source of happiness and unhappiness" - Buddha .

How true !

2011-12-20T02:48:00.000-08:00

' this is a story i've been waiting to tell .

I am 17 , naive . curious , and vibrant . young , and vulnerable . i have the world at my feet , my heart on my sleeve , in motion , and ready ; to take on blind spots , expose them , and defeat .

but rarely is that the case . my words are promising , but they are just : words . in the end , they are weightless , leaving me in a journey without a purpose , to a destination without directions .

it makes me want to go back , to the starting line -

" Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference "

- but i don't stop . i won't and i can't .

so i drive forward , push ahead , and like a possessed child , i tear through brick walls and continue to , even if my skin can't take it . even if my bones are yelling . i shove through , directionless , but i don't care . i shove through , to go where i don't know , discover what i might , and explore what i know . '

throughout my life , i've always planned ahead . i knew where i was but more importantly , i knew where i was going . and when things didn't work out , i was taken aback - no one warned me this could happen . i never anticipated handicaps in my plans , and definitely never would have . but for once , it did . and then again and again they kept coming at me .

this was when i felt a sudden turn in my life , when i felt how difficult and unfair it was . but it also became more interesting , and pedagogic . i learnt so much , and the beauty of it is that : i'll never stop . it'll never stop .

i don't know where i'm going , and where the road will lead me . but i have a destination , and a goal in sight - so however astray i am , i am always where i'm going .

2011-12-15T23:04:00.000-08:00

i'm thinking maybe i should revitalize my blog . re-theme it perhaps ?

a food blog seems adventurous enough , just a nice subtle , easy change .

the pictures are my only concern . aha .

in the works ..

to be continued !

2011-12-07T08:29:00.001-08:00

you know i hate it when someone writes about a grandparent's passing and how they were never close . i hate it . it makes me so angry because i was never close to my grandfather and i knew of that when he was still here . and i never bothered to do anything even after being told by a friend that if i didn't do anything , i'd be regretful like she was when her grandfather died . but i brushed it off , i just didn't - couldn't - believe it . I thought that i was old enough to understand that this was nature , that his death was eventual 'anyway' , but i just wasn't listening right - it's not about his death that was the case , it's about him being my grandfather - and alive .

I always feel a pull in my chest whenever i think of my grandfather , not because he's gone , but because i never cherished him like i should have . i really should have . and i get so spiteful of myself and so sad just thinking about him , because i have all these remembrances of him and how certain times , i caught glimpses of him where he looked so lonely and i could have done something about it but i never did . It's a regret on a different league because it's just a terrible feeling .

He was such a great man . He was so great in so many levels : his authoritarian character , his righteousness , his diplomacy , his patriotism , his love - all solidifying strength - and yet when he laughed , it was in the most childlike manner : you could see his eyes glitter like an innocent toddler laughing at a mother's tickle . he was so perfect .

I don't think some of them actually regret not knowing their grandparents as they should - and i don't think those actually think twice about it . Grandparents are old , and although they are as physically able as a toddler , they have years of experience behind them . They know when they are burdens - they just don't say anything .

I can't imagine how my grandfather felt - being without his love for twenty years , without the ability to walk , thinking he was a burden . Where was the quality of life ?

I will always remember the weeks before his death , when i was alone at home with him , in his room when he was confined to his bed . I was at the side of him when he looked at me and placed a hand at the side of my face . his eyes were wet but he wasn't tearing . and he didn't say a thing . he just held my face . and it broke my heart . he didn't have to say a word to tell me he knew he was dying . he knew . and he looked so sad knowing that he was leaving . and i just wanted to do something about it , but again , i couldnt .

because i know how bad it feels , i wish no one ever would .

he was just such a great person .

gong . you are so loved . x

2011-12-07T07:30:00.000-08:00

she bolted towards the door , down the stairs , into the kitchen where 5 people neatly sat in front of a table with a generous breakfast spread .

"I'm hungry," the baby sister grumbled , eyeing the blueberry pancakes laid out in suspense for her growing hunger .

"Sorry baby girl," Lizzy winked, "but i was up chatting with," she gave a feigned cough, "Dan last night".

"Now i don't want anymore nonsense about boys, young lady . We've been sitting here waiting for you for the past ten minutes . Now the food's cold," mom said .

"Aw ma, you could have started without me."

"Elizabeth," her mother, Jo started - now Jo only uses Lizzy's full name when she preaches - "it's a Sunday. You know the rules," she stopped , only to sigh . "Look at my hair!" she pointed to the top of her head, "I have white hair now, and you're not helping !"

" You're right , I'm sorry ma . Sunday . Family day . Happy day . I love you guys , you know that." Lizzy fumbled with her guilty smile .

Jo squinted at Lizzy, paused, sighed again, then said, "Oh all right dear . Sit down . You know family's more important than boys."

"Yes, ahh boys," her father interrupted, "I was a boy once," he said, his eyes gleaming dramatically . "Your mother's right , Lizzy . Boy's are trouble, " he looked up at Jo from his plate with a secret sleazy grin. "I should know," he said with a wolfish laugh .

Lizzy sat down and joined in with the humorous atmosphere she loved so dearly . Here was where her heart lay content , undisturbed , and open - true to itself . After all , home is where the heart is .

Just something I whipped up . Love your family guys , they're so important

2011-12-07T04:30:00.000-08:00

whenever i put my fingers to work ,

to equate my thoughts

into words ,

i always find it a little

relieving

like a release :

catharsis .

so having a blog

is really like a public journal .

which no doubt , gets a little boring sometime .

when you're in the face of so much grief ,

you learn to deal with it ,

but when it elongates over a long period of time ,

there no longer, is an urgency to search a solution for the problem ,

instead , you yearn for a solution

for yourself .

i feel the repercussions are destructive . damaging and brutal .

because you trusted ,

cared ,

loved ,

you hurt .

so what makes you

when you lose all reasons of grief -

when you don't trust ,

care ,

love ?

how do you become a doctor then ?

2011-11-30T03:39:00.000-08:00

under covers

safe and warm

hidden and protected

quiet

undisturbed

and wrapped in

emancipation .

2011-11-19T08:03:00.000-08:00

if there is anything worse than hating ,

bearing animosity ,

its hiding it ,

or rather

suppressing it .

there is continuous

growth ,

diabolical and

detestful ,

breeding anger and

impatience ,

exempting

peace ,

and as a result ,

life .

2011-11-06T08:10:00.000-08:00

Hi . what a simple way of starting the day .

i'm feeling a tingle of excitement at the start of my shoulders , to the sole of my foot . i'm in the midst of cleaning my room , re-arranging bits and bobs of little items , and just improving the simple aesthetic value of my personal refuge . such a perfect task for me . because at the same time , i have the strangest idea of it being a needed symbolic representation .

tomorrow will be a new day . i have the greatest hopes for it . and that will be good .

for so long , i've felt disorganized , and disoriented . immersing myself dangerously , and submitting to it - for a reason so purposeless , senseless , and selfish .

life is short . and i want to make it right when i can . i'm so tired of waking with an ache in my heart -

the world is so vast and i've yet to see any . the outlook is endless , and somehow positive . so i'm excited . I'll clean myself today , and wake up to a new day , and a new self

2011-10-27T02:18:00.000-07:00

you want to run into oblivion . your feet , light , in flight , takes you where your mind dissolves . and your mind dissolves , so clean , and clear . you disappear - to where you've never been .

you can run , but in the end , there's no where no one can find . you are found , prisoned and poisoned . there is no oblivion .

there is no escape .

2011-10-27T01:58:00.000-07:00

' Sing me to sleep
And then leave me alone
Don't try to wake me in the morning
'Cause I will be gone
Don't feel bad for me
I want you to know
Deep in the cell of my heart
I will feel so glad to go ' -

Asleep - the smiths .

i think giving in to crying is no different than losing , or giving up . sometimes when i'm alone , and i want to cry , i never do . because most of the time , i end up feeling like a fool . like a child and a child forever .

you know , i want to be grateful towards so many things in my life . but i keep taking things for granted , over and over again . but you can only believe what is seen , shown , in sight . no one reads hidden truths .

2011-10-10T07:57:00.001-07:00

today i started my attachment programme at SJMC where i was posted to the emergency room .

during that time , i couldn't help but find myself lingering between my thoughts and just the sight of patients looking so lost in life .

so much to live for - but not really so .

cancer is such a disease . with even the strongest will to live , persevere , and fight - it would test it , wear you down , and rip you from your strength .

Happiness brings health , and with health , you have life . Taking it for granted is so easily done , but to bathe and cherish it needs a tragedy to open your eyes on its priceless value .

2011-09-27T08:54:00.000-07:00

what is testing us ?

it is thinning , thinning and thinning . and after every deterioration , we are closer to breaking .

so many things ...

2011-09-27T08:26:00.000-07:00

i am someone who makes a lot of mistakes

and often times , i realize them too late

when i see the consequence

unfolding ,

hopelessly .

as i think more about it ,

i think about ways of improvements ,

and i think hard .

so much i want to embody the perfect human -

the perfect student , the golden daughter ,

the supportive sister -

but as i make more mistakes

against my ideals of a person ,

i feel so

overwhelmingly disappointed ,

that i've disappointed myself ,

but more importantly

my parents ,

who i wish the world

and universe

for .

the attempts don't matter

if the results don't

amount .

)':

x

2011-09-17T07:50:00.000-07:00

you know what i want to do sometimes .

i want to lie on a vast plain of greens

with my arms wide open

in the dimming cradle of a protected morning

devouring the sight , and sensation

of the calmly blowing winds

that threaten to close my awake eyes

as i am arrested by

nature's beauty .

2011-09-17T07:34:00.001-07:00

everyone loves music . there's no denying that . but call it a pet peeve , i find it extremely infantile when someone heavily professes the significance of music in their life . yea , i know - i shouldn't judge - what is that again ; another maddening overrated phrase : "don't judge me" .

it is . so . juvenile .

i think music is necessary especially in troubling occasions that make it so needed . but when someone says, 'oh , i can't live without music,' all i do , or really , all i CAN do is just .. stare .

and i hate writing posts like these because they seem so petty/trivial/condescending and most of all , contradicting . because it doesn't make me sound more mature . just the opposite of that

2011-09-11T06:46:00.000-07:00

talking to my eldest sister never fails to put a little perspective into view .

she reminds me of what i really want out of my life -

contributive goals ,

wild ambitions ,

that i , as driven as i am ,

could sometimes forget .

as much as i want to emulate her enthusiasm/strife in her unwavering enterprises ,

i don't think i could envy her

as much as how i beam with pride

knowing that i have the most amazing sisterr

in the entire galaxy .

((:

2011-09-04T00:46:00.001-07:00

is it weird that i'm 17

and i want to get married ?

...

on another note

that is completely irrelevant

the world is cruel

or i guess the people are -

that is something

i feel

no one should ever discover

because learning it

actually hurts .

2011-09-02T02:41:00.000-07:00

more often than i should , i find myself thinking about romance . and fairytales that i don't believe won't happen .

just returned from CM . I have no doubts about it being a worthwhile experience - whether it was how i wanted to learn the lesson i learnt .. i'm not too sure about that . i am embarrassed about it , regretful , and also confused at the same time . but it has passed and it was insightful - so i have no qualms !

i realized how young , naive , immature , vulnerable , sheltered I am - I could be top , ace all tests - they get you nowhere out there . it is different . the world is so big , so vast , and coming from a protected asian household , i am incredibly inexperienced that it is shameful and a great big disappointment to myself .

2011-08-24T07:42:00.000-07:00

today i was bored . so i took out my D500 , and started playing around with self-shots . i don't know what to think of them -

2011-08-22T12:04:00.000-07:00

are boys important ?

they are strange creatures to me . and often i wonder what they want in a girl , and in my answers , i too often find myself trying to chameleon my personality into that ideal mold . that is a foolish misconception , as we all know - because if there's one thing a boy should look for , or be attracted to - its your genuine, unhidden, authentic self .

if there's one thing i understand , it's to never be self-conscious , or fake , or .. polite . well , in my case, i'm naturally, helplessly uncharacteristically unfeminine ( is that why im single ? ) . lol, it's not actually .

i guess if you know what you want in life , love and boys lose more significance as your priorities and goals become more important . and if you set your sight on a particular kind of boy , one you know that college boys don't fall under , and specifically , one that can provide you security and commitment - current boys just .. aren't appealing anymore . it all comes down to knowing what you want in life - and achieving it . goals are so important i think

xxx

2011-08-22T09:20:00.000-07:00

someone once said to me,

"life is kind"

and it made me think

that i am so blessed .

i am so blessed ;

thank you.

2011-08-14T10:45:00.001-07:00

just one chance .

2011-08-12T10:57:00.001-07:00

" you know what's to come

do not accept this

don't lose your soul

you must fight for each breath . "

why do i feel like i've already lost ?

2011-08-12T06:26:00.000-07:00

skin & bones : david j. roch

what if

it never came

true ?

guys , at this point i am in such a worrying situation that my mind is in a rush, breezing negative possibilities across my head telling me that yes , dreams may only be dreams . how i wish i could run straight into my future , into that place i know so well i belong in . i don't know what to do , i feel like i could lose all i have right now and i don't want to .

2011-08-03T06:41:00.000-07:00

happy puasa-time guys ( esp nadiraa )

ps . i took the above picture in china when we were climbing the great wall . such a spectacular moment .

2011-07-30T08:39:00.000-07:00

to anita :

from our first karaoke session

to the last we had

from our first sleepover

to the last we had

from our first halloween

to the last we had

to prom

and finally, graduation .

time is strange . and selfish . but it has allowed me all this times with you (: . remember the night we stepped on adilet's back and distorted his body to resemble and airplane ?

i miss you !

2011-07-30T07:55:00.000-07:00

the toughest thing

is the surprises life

has in store

for you .

2011-07-28T08:41:00.000-07:00

on a completely irrelevant post, my mother has what i think is the greatest ability in saying some of the most beautiful things . at times they can be so honest in its essence that just by hearing it, it breaks your heart.

the concept of an intact family is so magical . that unspoken bond attached is just crazy powerful - it makes you united to the point where you could do anything for it . i would do anything for mine .

i just wished everyone in the world would cherish their family as much as it is unrequited . quite a few days back , i had a friend tell me of her hatred towards her father . it was quite unfortunate to listen , and although understandable to a certain extent, i reckon nothing, no grudge, heavy or extreme , is sufficient enough to fruit such animosity towards someone who breathed life in you .

tomorrow my parents are leaving to china . although only for a few days , i feel as though it is for a very long time . so i am quite sad at the moment . haha (':

i wonder if you guys have, as i have , wanted a moment where you could be completely bare-nakedly honest with your parents just so you could tell them how much you love them and appreciate them ? i have never been a person that's verbally open about affection and feelings, but now i wish i was .

god , i just hate seeing my parents worry . doesn't it make you feel like you should take it all away?

2011-07-28T08:37:00.000-07:00

often times

i feel i am missing

something,

needing

something.

what it is

i don't know .

what i know

is that

with it

i wouldn't have to

anymore .

2011-07-26T10:15:00.000-07:00

when i hear of the norway's tragedy

i wonder if by acting humane

and civilized

we are defying our

true nature .

now when i think about it

thomas hobbes was not far from it

all along .

leviathan - i show in the first place that the state of men without civil society (which state may be called the state of nature) is nothing but a war of all against all; and that in that war, all have a right to all things.

2011-07-20T08:12:00.000-07:00

' do you know where your heart it ?

do you think you can find it ? '

say ( all i need ) - one republic

2011-07-19T09:54:00.000-07:00

priscilla ahn - rain

life is beautiful

and so are you

you

and you .

i love chocolates

2011-07-18T08:33:00.001-07:00

so often it is

i find myself

almost yearning

for

a feeling

in particular,

one in sync with

nostalgia

and

security.

especially when i am

reminded with little

sudden outbursts of

flashbacks

that now seem so

serene

and perfect.

i hate how my

only way of

recapturing moments

is through

remembrance

and nothing

more.

2011-07-16T09:08:00.000-07:00

sometimes i find myself in deep thoughts

thinking about

nothing in particular .

but still

thinking .

and it gets to the point

where my vacant thoughts

accumulate to become

an entity by itself,

the no-thought

is a thought

in itself.

today as i was against the warmth of my bed , i started to think again about human existentialism - and our meaning in life . it is not something i want to understand , but rather, it is something required . because i feel as though knowing it , places me a step closer to defining my identity as a person. and again, it is, without question, so important for me to know it . because if you are confused as a person, you are lost in life . and as i was researching about life's purpose , and the many theories surrounding it, only one made sense .

"Life has no meaning, but as humans we try to associate a meaning or purpose so we can justify our existence."

2011-07-15T06:48:00.000-07:00

detached .

how do you

get a grip ?

2011-07-06T10:06:00.000-07:00

I'll say my piece - Chester See

strange how things can be

mere

fleeting memories.

once i held it upon my palms

once i had it with me

next to me

around me

never did i think

one time

was all i had.

as i am older , things realistically become less permanent

2011-06-30T09:40:00.000-07:00

to my gorgeous best friend

i miss you sooo much

from the first picture of us

to many more that has yet to come -

in time

xxx

2011-06-17T10:05:00.000-07:00

today i said bye to two people i would never see again

and i realized

i really would never see them again

it's not like we were close

but the idea that

in my life

as much as it is

in yours

everyone leaves

2011-06-14T07:23:00.000-07:00

happiness is only real when shared

so guys !

live your life around others

and cherish everyy momentt of it !

you only get it once babe !

2011-06-01T21:10:00.000-07:00

JRAquinomusic - fall for your type

there is something i've been itching to mention . being the agnostic i am , i have no understood belief in god , but neither do i nod in agreement that there is none . to begin with , i think religion is beautiful , and has amazing powers to make followers do right . but as we have seen in recent news , it can also do otherwise . quite a few days back , i was lucky to be granted entry to a prayer room, where i witnessed the sight of worship . all i could do in that period of loud silence , was stare .. in amazement - it was so beautiful, enchanting - call it anything , it captured everything .

what i'm trying to get at is that , everyone has personal beliefs . we don't have to belief in god but we do have to respect individual opinion . there are so many people who ridicule the existence of religion , in public space , without considering the opinion of the vast majority who own a mindset and a lifestyle based around religion . who dictates that religion is damaging , and that its abolishment is a step closer to peace ? if atheists can have such hostile thoughts towards Islam, Christianity etcetc , doesn't that make them no different ?

i dont know .

2011-05-31T20:43:00.000-07:00

cristina aguilera - you lost me

hello guys . as i have no plans ahead on what today's post will be about , i will just write what comes to the tip of my fingers .

i have recently become tremendously obsessed with heath ledger . and if you have followed my blog a year ago ( um .. anyone ? aha ) , you would also be aware of my non-sexual-necrophilistic interest in john keats and river phoenix . who also lead very depressing lives , i think that were unfairly handed to them without chances . they are all dead by the way . and they share similar timelines and stories . i don't want to divulge much , but you guys should read up on them . very interesting no doubt , and it really teaches you to appreciate your health , your opportunities , your values , your choices , and its potential consequences .

i wonder if theres any truth behind the purpose of death . if there is a reason why selected people die early when others are blessed with a prolonged life . if it is actually as simple as it is meaningless , or there really is a reason for everything . then at least if there were something to happen to me or anyone , i have the consolation that our lives were not pointlessly robbed .

i have to go out for now .. to be continued !

2011-05-23T08:02:00.000-07:00

love is really

all you need

in life .

only when you are close

to losing it

will you value

its worth .

it is

priceless

transparent

weightless

intangible

yet it is more

that if it were

all.

2011-05-20T11:44:00.000-07:00

i often find myself thinking about destiny

and the trust i should place in it

am i meant for it ?

could i plan for it ?

i often find myself thinking about what i should

like my grandfather

who has the most childlike smile and eyes

everytime i'm reminded that i could have done

more.

everytime i wish i was more compassionate

and the fact that i wasnt

questions my ambition as a doctor.

i remember so clearly

a day when i was in his room

at the side of his bed

when he caressed my cheeks

and looked at me in a way that

told me he knew

he was going to die.

it was so heartbreaking .

i remember it

so well.

i miss you gong )':

2011-05-10T09:32:00.000-07:00

nostalgia is

beautiful .

2011-05-09T05:47:00.000-07:00

i am so blessed to be born into such a family

many obstacles have hammered themselves in our way

but now there is more strength and unity

than ever before

i cannot be more thankful

and grateful

2011-05-07T09:48:00.000-07:00

my silly chubchub mother. even though you cant button your size XXL coat doesn't mean we love you any less !

2011-05-07T09:13:00.001-07:00

mummy,

at times you show the hardest heart , impenetrable and strong, but when you force a smile, it is the most painful facade .

you could be the bravest person i know. and the most vulnerable.

you could be the hardest person to please, and the hardest to disappoint.

you could say the most stinging words, as well as the most heartfelt.

you are the hardest person to hate, and

the easiest to love.

i love you mummy . your expectations in me are trivial compared to what you have done, and i would gladly achieve them all for you.

happy mothers day

2011-05-02T08:09:00.000-07:00

i love so many things

and people

why must there be

a price to pay

for that ?

2011-05-02T07:10:00.000-07:00

is it

inevitable ?

2011-04-30T05:31:00.000-07:00

i think

among anything

the greatest disappointment

is believed

progress

and the temporary relief

is nothing

compared to the

heavy heartedness

that comes when

retreat

is more

prominent.

sometimes i wonder if this is

punishment

for lack of belief

in God.

2011-04-29T07:43:00.000-07:00

what is your motivation ?

is motivation the same as

inspiration ?

mine would be simple

and even i

would never admit it

but it is not

the outcome of

my dreams

nor is it

anything

relative

it is my

sister

my eldest

sister

who i could envy

from every detail of my

body

but still

be happy for

sometimes i think

she is

my only

reason

2011-04-18T07:36:00.000-07:00

when i read the things i've written

i see how silly they are

and how immature i am

i wallow in my thoughts

and shy from taking steps

such a

coward

the truth is

i can do it

and from now

this is what ill say

that i will

succeed

and i will

take that step

and the next time

i feel strange

its gonna be

a good way

2011-04-17T07:54:00.000-07:00

i think feeling happy is different from being happy

you can feel happy and at the same time

not be happy

and if you've heard this phrase

then it summarizes what i'm going to say

and you could stop reading

i think true, unbiased, and decided happiness

can only be achieved

if the grass isn't greener on the other side

and you want nothing

than what you have

i think thats the problem with some people

or me really

because i want things that i don't have

yet

or maybe never

at all

and that fear

of failing

makes me so

unhappy

2011-04-16T10:10:00.000-07:00

i was just thinking

about many things..

like how things can take you by surprise

in a good way

but sometimes in a bad way

i don't really like surprises

because most of the time, its in

a bad way

like once i remember sitting in a restaurant

with my family

and we were talking about my grandfather

who was in the hospital

in a coma

and i said

"even if we waited for 2 years, he's still gonna be alive.

it's gong, ma"

so confidently

because i thought

he was invincible

but i was in for a surprise

in a bad way .

and it took less than 2 days

to prove me

wrong

and i remember feeling

strange

in a bad way

2011-04-16T08:49:00.000-07:00

so today..

i found a blog

of a dead person ..

feels quite strange

to be reading her thoughts

seems like she's alive

as though she never

committed suicide ..

2011-04-13T06:56:00.000-07:00

sometimes i feel like i

have so much going on

so much

potential

and

it gets me

so upset

because i feel

suppressed

and concealed ,

overpowered by my

need to achieve

my goals

that is costing

me so

much

2011-04-10T07:56:00.000-07:00

the greatest pain i think is not personal . rather it is less selfish . it comes from watching others hurt , from something that you caused . but it makes sense , doesn't it ?

' as parents we live for our children . If there's no harmony among you , what do we live for ? ' -

i never believed words could break your heart . i see it now

2011-03-25T07:14:00.001-07:00

life is stranger than you think , and probably easier than we make it to be ):

i think it is human nature to complicate things , to the point that it becomes natural . perhaps this is where entropy comes into place .

2011-03-24T02:51:00.000-07:00

Today is the day I begin earning what i want . I think if your ambitions are bigger than your skin , the future will be easier managed if you are prepared to lose anything to achieve it .

the stress hasn't knocked yet . which isn't really a good thing coz i need it as motivation . but its fine i'm kicking it prematurely =P . im sitting on my desk , with my CIMP chem book open plus hoards of empty papers messily scribbled , just to set my mind to this routine that hopefully will be a routine . if not , i will be an unemployed housewife .

crap

2011-03-23T02:35:00.000-07:00

If there is one person i should miss , it is my eldest sister . and i do . strange i think about it now when there is not a single reminder around me triggering it ..

she is so busy these days ):

jie and I fooling about while my other two more civilized sisters look ..

lol - good times

2011-03-22T08:22:00.000-07:00

a few days ago , i was sitting with a group of people , majority of which were strangers to me - i only knew one - and had lunch . around the middle of it , i became incredibly awkward and maybe a little fake because i remember having to wear a perky front , no doubt very obvious but i can't be sure because they were all so engrossed in their inside jokes that i really don't think i was observed . at all . and what i am really trying to say is , it's hard being yourself in front of a bunch of young, bright , intelligent people of whom you are intending to impress .

how ridiculous now that i think about it . why would i need to impress ? the difficult part i imagine now is not so much being yourself , but rather seeming as though you are comfortable without showing any kinds of ... uncomfortable-ness ?

i need to build my inter/intrapersonal skills .

i love nutella ... just a random 101 note . and coz im too lazy to bathe

2011-03-22T01:22:00.000-07:00

i've always thought behind everything lies a reason . the day before i mentioned my reluctance to attend orientation in hopes of extending my circle of friends , and judging by how the day went , i'm beginning to see why .

it was bad . something good happened . but now im not sure it is .

2011-03-20T04:50:00.000-07:00

Hello there .

Isn't it amazing how without a reason , you could feel over the moon ? At the moment , there is a rather disgusting grin across my face and it is like nothing could go wrong - or ever could . times like these i should cherish and make the best of . but instead i'm in my room , without company , tapping on my keyboard . but still , it feels like a feat .

tomorrow , school commences . needless to say, before i was a little more jumpy and excited than i am now because despite having this temporary endorphin pumping within me , it is hard looking forward to something i've already done . and making new friends looks to me as though it is a drag, and an activity i'm not genuinely interested in . it is really no different than feeling forced to study .

i just realized how confusing i can be . my first two paragraphs are so contradicting its silly . ( did i use that word right ? )

anyway , wish me luck . i hope when school starts , i'll be able to write as often as i do now ( do i even ? )

2011-03-16T08:11:00.001-07:00

it is hard for me to get mad , but when i do , it shows on my face and the people around me feel it . i hate the feeling - it makes me want to hurt and be hurt , physically . this afternoon when it happened , i was so overwhelmed with an array of emotions altogether that i was angry and incredibly sad as well . i was so confused with so many mixed emotions within me that i felt i was mentally un-right . and in all honesty , i wonder if i am . it was so difficult to bear in that moment that for some reason , i wanted to feel pain . i can't explain even if i tried . but i had to quench it.. so i ran and threw myself against the concrete wall, slammed my fists into the metal ( ohmygod, what ? ) and punched my bed .. too many times . i think i even did gymnastics ...

i don't know what you're thinking but if you have any thoughts related to self-cutting then you're wrong . i know enough to be aware of that , and i don't think its anywhere near it . the reasons are simple , i do it because its instantaneous and somehow therapeutic , not because i strive for attention . and i say it because i know a few out there who question if this is strange , and i want them to know that no , many people feel the same too .

2011-03-16T01:47:00.000-07:00

Waking up everyday to literally nothing exciting , or worthwhile has its setbacks . And when its coupled with household dilemmas , it's even worse .

Experiencing repetition and particularly , expecting it gets a little tiresome sometimes . and it can make you sad . especially when i think what the purpose of life is - and i come up with nothing .

other lives - black tables .

' when the whites of your eyes come through , you will see something new ' .

2011-03-08T05:45:00.000-08:00

Another song to soothe your mind; The Last Carnival - Norihiro Tsuru

I had nothing planned for the day so rather than sitting by my window with no cup of coffee or a book at hand , i sat by the edge of my bed gazing at the wall - which was so relaxing and calming that I didn't get up until an hour later . And in that time , i started to wonder about fate and its possibility of truth . It was quite interesting, and also a bit frightening because i thought about how if there was a given opportunity leading me to a complete different path , and i took it - would i succeed ? It was quite ironic for me, to be honest because what i was afraid of wasn't the likelihood of not making it but rather, ' what if i do make it ? ' .

food for thoughts .

ps/ i thought about becoming an asian star . how embarrassing

2011-03-04T01:18:00.000-08:00

I want to talk about something that I know might sound peculiar to some ears . As i was reading the newspaper today and at the same time , registering what i was seeing , i started recognizing the heavy and unrestricted misfortunes so many have to come to terms with . And of course , at my age , this is something I should already understand . But it is nothing like that ; what i did was i compared . and then i started to think to the point where it altogether propagated to such a strange sensation where i suddenly felt this sad sad guilt . Almost like our way of helping was this unspoken obligation to feel ashamed, unhappy , guilty as a way of compensating for their loss . Does that make sense ?

"All my life I did nothing bad . Why does it have to be like this ? "

L.C suicide letter .

2011-03-02T01:39:00.001-08:00

i have with me a few certain foreign songs that have easily become my top picks whenever I am tired of loud/sweet music on airplay . one in the meantime ?

dear - man soul child

My dog is so difficult . I have been trying for the past 10 minutes to get an appropriate picture of the both of us . He is either looking away or sniffing snot on my face ..

when i succeed , i shall post my victory (:

x !

2011-02-27T06:54:00.000-08:00

I had quite a nice surprise today . My father's high school teacher-turned-friend ( i still find this a little strange ) who lives in UK gave a pleasantly unexpected visit and is now staying the night . Along with him was a pretty scented paperbag and in it was the most darling box filled with the sweetest smelling soap-bars I know . If you look at the pictures closely , you'll find little popcorns around the bars that by the way are triangular-shaped .. something quite new to me . They are now sitting comfortably on my bed ( okay fine , on the floor ) giving my room such a refreshing scent I feel like i'm at some sort of rainforest ... maybe the peak of a mountain ?

I get so happy just by looking at the colors !

2011-02-19T04:31:00.000-08:00

I think there is a very obvious line between things we should do and things we prefer/want to do . and i know with experiences that ultimately it would be the latter we would settle for .

desire over conscience ? human nature ? human error ?

the difference i think that makes these two choices a dilemma is the target of the consequence . we choose to do what we want to do because it brings us happiness and satisfaction . but why we don't immediately act on something to our gain is i guess because of others ? how our choice will affect them ?

is that what defines 'should' ? our conscience ?

so many times i wish i could do things differently.

2011-02-18T11:34:00.000-08:00

Today as i was listening to a song with my eyes closed , i started to float . my back was against the soft cushions of my bed , my mind released . but when i awoke and my eyes opened , i realized i couldn't have them closed forever .

2011-02-17T20:22:00.000-08:00

As I have always dreamed of working in a hospital , I have also wanted something bigger, and more detailed like being a psychiatrist . But in the last few months , certain understandings have become clearer , and the way it is in view is almost a shove in my face . They challenge my choice of field , and defeat its purposes . To the point where I feel if i choose to continue , i am choosing to be a fraud . It is a fraud - medicine will not cure . Am I silly to say this ? Even as I write , my hands are shaking and my shoulders are down . I was so sure of it . To have what I believe taken from my fingertips at the sight of her - that i cannot avoid , i cannot avoid it - in my goddamn face , shooting down my certainty , my creed , my conviction is i dont know . What is it - selfish ? Unfair ? Cheating ? But her experience is now a fact - and it is against my ideologies . It relapses, over and over , over and over and it feels like we have not moved from the first step to recovery . Hands down medicine soothes the heart, soothes the mind but only because it lies and it hides the disease . it. never. cures.

I will not be a psychiatrist . I will not make a living from patients slogging to afford services that promises health care when what they are doing is incorporating goddamn false hope. i am so mad right now i cannot control it . this is crazy. it is a legal sham .

ps/ mental institutions mostly.

2011-02-12T23:12:00.000-08:00

my intuition tells me i have lost all readers .

...

hopefully, like all times, i am wrong .

a song as an apology ? bruno merz ( not mars ! ) - for you now .

if you like it , then be patient with me (: i don't think it's so much my laziness to write as it is the lack of interesting stories .

perhaps an interesting quote will compensate ? it is all i can do -

"I hate you."
My sister said it different than she said it to my dad. She meant it with me. She really did.
"I love you,” was all I could say in return.
"You're a freak, you know that? Everyone says so. They always have."
"I'm trying not to be."
Then I turned around and walked to my room and closed my door and put my head under my pillow and let the quiet put things where they are supposed to be.

- Stephen Chbosky

2011-02-12T09:13:00.000-08:00

it is 1 in the morning and I haven't bathed (since the day before might I add ? (; )

My hair is oily . my body is filthy and I reek .

I am such an attractive girl .

ps : this is how bored i am .

2011-02-12T08:22:00.000-08:00

These past few weeks I feel have been such a self-reflective period, one that definitely would have realized by itself sooner or later with time spent in unemployed ways. It is not something I do intentionally, nor is it something constantly thought about. What I know is that the parts of me I was oblivious to before was thoughtlessly conjured the moment there was an appertaining 'event' - almost like there was a hidden thumb fairy in my head.

My eldest sister has left home for Chicago, as she does twice every year . This time I feel is different - and it is different . Now as I recall it , I am seeing how utterly ridiculous it was to think such a thought since I am fully aware she will come home again - and again and again and again - but when she left , i felt like she was leaving forever . It was such a weird sensation to have diametrically opposing knowledge and thoughts ( feelings ? ) that really had no association with each other in that span of time . Imagine being two people within one entity . So. Weird !

2011-01-24T09:42:00.000-08:00

Today as i was listening to a slow heartwarming song , i began to think about the person i am and the person i could be . i am not talking about what i could possibly achieve in life or goals or those sorts . what i mean is that i could be someone fun , or a shameless flirt . I could party hard and date numerous guys with no strings attached and experience all i've never . but i'm not and i havent . my actions since the moment i understood rules have been so simple and naive . knowing this for some reason makes me feel so.. undeniably low because im a teenager and yet not really one .

i don't know if its a good thing but all i know is that my feelings are sad . i know that i ccould have been that girl and also remained this girl - the one with values and principles and glasses that abide by the book . this tells me that i could be fun yet controlled . i could have been more ..

i am so silly . this is not worth wondering about . i should just be happy .

2011-01-07T07:57:00.000-08:00

Today I headed to the campus of my friends college for the speaking test of IELTS. Now that it has been completed, i feel wonderful and relieved. It is not over though, as i still have the listening, reading and writing test in the wait . ):

Food is accompanying too much. Im not complaining, am i complaining ?

2011-01-05T07:07:00.000-08:00

at this moment i have one fear and it is almost an intuition - or perhaps a fearful intuition . that i will be as close to losing it as i am to reaching it .

why am i so tangled up about it ?

2011

2011-01-03T22:46:00.000-08:00

I think it has reached the point for us to start recollecting what I can now safely call the past year . Some of the things I ask myself whenever a year closes are - what lessons did you learn , what have you gained as a person , how have you matured .

To anyone , there might be a lack of distinction between the three questions or there is no contrast . but to me the difference is outstanding, and the slight characteristics that holds them apart gives me more than i need to know about myself . i don't know if you can call this an identity crisis; writing that term makes me feel infantile, like a grade school child. but it is not that i am undergoing a crisis, or an issue with myself because that is completely irrelevant in more ways than one. rather it is a process i feel like i have to encounter and solve by myself before i step into a bigger skin, or perhaps before i am able to.

i cannot remember much of what i have written in this blog, so i probably might have mentioned this . the biggest lesson i learnt was not one out of an experience of mine, but of my sister . it is a family secret so i will not reveal more aside from the input that i caught . it was so difficult, and still as i recall the obstacle in my head i agree . Happiness cannot be achieved if there is envy . I was so envious of a fact that i became so unhappy at home . i am swearing upon anything, that i had never felt more dispirited in my heart than before. If only i had been content with myself, it would not have started.

i think this is getting boring . before i let you sleep twice in one day i am going to stop

oops before i forget: to thine ownself be true !

2011-01-03T07:47:00.000-08:00

A little while ago i was thinking deeply of my future - about the five years I will spend exclusively devoted to the university I have chosen, and the vast expanse of growing up I will need to undergo within this restricted timeframe. This thought has been occupying most of my mind, and needless to say, my time. But it is something that must be given attention to now - this is when I start chasing my goal, when i must leave things behind to get to it - this is simply something so large in magnitude that I feel i must think about or else.. i might just miss something and fall last in place..

This is not something i wanted to write on. It is the maturing and developing stairs ahead of me that keeps me deep in thoughts but it is not that I am worried about it. I am not . I just think: it's time. you can't excel in an adults place with a child's mind. get up and grow up. Perhaps I am too harsh on myself and want more that my limitations, but success comes from a person who is their own worst critic. If your standards are never standard, then you are always improving

ielts coming up. everything is.. wow. things are moving fast ! are you excited ?

(;

2011-01-03T03:27:00.001-08:00

Today i along with my sister took a little trip down to the university i will be attending starting february 21. She has been there for a little too long and it is only a semester more before she flies off to the states to become the second sister i have in that terror-stricken nation and .. away from home . It was a nice visit - i don't know if it was the sheer gladness of seeing my older sister introducing the institution for me, or the fact that i really liked the entirety of the place. but nonetheless that little glimpse i had today makes me feel much closer to my future than i've ever been before .

I am also back from Beijing . As most of my friends know, the only thing that drives my passion and feeds my soul is.. food. Naturally, my antecedent for going to beijing was purely regarding food... so coming back with food poisoning was not what i imagined. har har ..

so because i am not in a mood to reminisce about my constant bouts of terrible diarrhea and nauseating experiences, i am not going to do a write-up on it . ( like i ever write about anything here anyway right ? lol )

i am excited for university . i will ace it i promisee !

2010-12-11T11:09:00.001-08:00

It couldn’t be further from the truth that his room still remains pervaded by the deception I came to believe - that what had happened was indeed a dream and nothing more.

2010-12-07T10:21:00.000-08:00

I HATE KOREAN SHOWS !!!

im just joking . i love them . but they make me so miserable .

2010-12-06T05:47:00.000-08:00

i am searching up hotels for my trip to beijing that hopefully, will take place . It is a very sudden idea so the arrangement is naturally abit irresolute at the moment . but needless to say , it is a very much needed sojourn away from common sights and routines . sometimes spontaneous trips like these rejuvenates and elevates life .

i am trying to put myself in the shoes of a reader . and boy , hell no would i read all this scribbles . i mean, who in the world gives two toots about what im doing right ? ( don't agree please )

just about 2 hours before , i was taking a comfortable swim in my pool . it was quite late and the sky was darkening pretty quickly . how do i say this for you to imagine it as i experienced it . im not even too sure about this ' experience ' of mine that is worth spilling . it was just peculiar . i felt a little scared , alone in the centre of the empty pool with the unfamiliar hush of the night accompanying me . but it seemed quite ridiculous .. like - why ? assuming my mind was a fool, teasing me ; i stayed . it is hard to even write this , because it defeats whatever i believe in . but i know it because i felt it - like someone was with me . i could feel watched .. gosh i don't know .

perhaps science can't answer everything .

2010-12-04T09:45:00.000-08:00

i can see the traces of flashes around my memory . there are thousands and thousands and i've lost control of what i want to remember and what i don't .

adele - someone like you .

' don't forget me , i beg '

2010-12-04T09:19:00.000-08:00

i am lying on my bed staring blankly into this screen , trying to correlate the movement of my fingers with the thoughts running carelessly through my head. i think - everything is moving too fast and my legs have given up in the futile attempt to catch up . i think - this is not worth thinking about . i think - go to bed and rest your head. i think - why is life so easy now ?

i am thinking. there are so many things to think about. just too many.

- such a significant moment felt insignificantly. where is your heart ?

2010-11-17T03:02:00.000-08:00

you know its a fucking mad world when you begin raging wars larger than your fucking skin .

i cannot take how you are fucking blind to what i am doing yet you continue to insist that you are fucking right . well fuck off i hope you fucking rot in hell , and die alone in the cold with a blanket out of reach to tease you out of your brains .

fucking bitch .

i would gladly rip off your gut and gauge your eyes with my bare hands thank you . but you repulse me, you sicken me , and you disgust me more than i can stand .

you are so unsightly right now that i swear im inches away from taking -

i shall stop before someone arrests me for intended murder . lol i amaze myself at how i can still find humor in times like these

2010-11-14T00:02:00.000-08:00

i wonderr if this growingg predisposition to be easilyy angryy is becausee of the factt that all i am able to do is watchh helplessly as youu wilterr, or thatt i am enviouss you cann .

" Do not overrate what you have received, nor envy others. He who envies others does not obtain peace of mind " - Buddha .

if this by anyy chance, does turn outt to be some psychical disorderr , thenn i knoww that it iss becausee of my lack of inner strength .

i also suspectt my desiree to be betterr ( can i sayy moree ' perfect ' ? ) is involvedd .

myy consciencee tells me the onlyy way to be content is to start withinn . whyy does that makee so muchh sensee , yett so tough to applyy in dailyy routine ?

ii am just awaitingg the dayy the consequencess hit . ( becausee only when it is too latee do we startt to see )

2010-10-23T12:14:00.000-07:00

ii hopee the choicee thatt will comee into effectt next yearr will be onee thatt i will nott regrett or wishh otherwisee

2010-10-04T08:24:00.000-07:00

Coldplay always refreshes my mind.

Today, i learned something that would most likely need reminding every once in a while for the rest of my life. It is so important to remember, as a girl, but I know equally how easy it is for it to be a slip of mind.

We must always have a heart with strength. Never, never never never dream when it comes to love because we all end up believing it.

when you try your best but you don't succeed

when you get what you want but not what you need

and the tears come streaming down your face

when you like someone but it goes to waste.

coldplay

how do you fall without gravity?

2010-09-28T05:58:00.000-07:00

2010-09-28T05:38:00.001-07:00

There is something funny about the way i'm feeling right now. I always get these small moments - frankly aren't what most would call 'small' - that make my shoulders shrug forward and my heart a little down. what is more confusing, and therefore disappointing is that there is no logical reason for these sudden uproar of emotions.

And when i try to dive a little deeper in a much futile attempt to get to the base of this, i always end up with a typical explanation - that there is nothing to look forward to. there is nothing, and no one who perks up a mundane morning, pumps my adrenaline rush, or gives me some slight joy.

it is regular. maybe i'm a little tired with old toys my eyes always set on.

i have so much to look forward to, i know that trust me. it just doesn't feel right.

i think my blog has revamped this way where i'm no longer going to tell how my day is or what i've accomplished within the weeks. its just a doorway for catharsis achievement.

low, empty, and discouraged.

2010-09-23T05:21:00.000-07:00

I have been reading LGMH too much for my own good i think. It is all fancy stories that automatically makes me reflect on mine, that seems miserable in comparison and I'm left with these odd, heavy emotions collecting near my chest. I cannot help it. Its as though i've gone nowhere, and have accomplished nothing. Almost like they've got so much potential and hope and luck and love whereas all i've got are empty dreams.

I pride myself so much on the way i write, yet im always dissatisfied with the eloquence of it. It's never enough, its never good enough.

This is something i truly hate about myself. There is always a little tug that appears out of somewhere i cannot control insisting that i'm able to do more than i am. And i'm always trying to solve that unavoidable question if my capabilities are doubtlessly endless or my believed limitations are just mindless myths. But i can never puzzle it together and this leaves me with more questions to begin with.

I'm sorry this post has taken on a philosophical twist. The music playing is cathartic. It makes me purge emotionally.

2010-05-24T09:04:00.001-07:00

when you understand impossibility is possible

yea that sucks