you know i hate it when someone writes about a grandparent's passing and how they were never close . i hate it . it makes me so angry because i was never close to my grandfather and i knew of that when he was still here . and i never bothered to do anything even after being told by a friend that if i didn't do anything , i'd be regretful like she was when her grandfather died . but i brushed it off , i just didn't - couldn't - believe it . I thought that i was old enough to understand that this was nature , that his death was eventual 'anyway' , but i just wasn't listening right - it's not about his death that was the case , it's about him being my grandfather - and alive .

I always feel a pull in my chest whenever i think of my grandfather , not because he's gone , but because i never cherished him like i should have . i really should have . and i get so spiteful of myself and so sad just thinking about him , because i have all these remembrances of him and how certain times , i caught glimpses of him where he looked so lonely and i could have done something about it but i never did . It's a regret on a different league because it's just a terrible feeling .

He was such a great man . He was so great in so many levels : his authoritarian character , his righteousness , his diplomacy , his patriotism , his love - all solidifying strength - and yet when he laughed , it was in the most childlike manner : you could see his eyes glitter like an innocent toddler laughing at a mother's tickle . he was so perfect .

I don't think some of them actually regret not knowing their grandparents as they should - and i don't think those actually think twice about it . Grandparents are old , and although they are as physically able as a toddler , they have years of experience behind them . They know when they are burdens - they just don't say anything .

I can't imagine how my grandfather felt - being without his love for twenty years , without the ability to walk , thinking he was a burden . Where was the quality of life ?

I will always remember the weeks before his death , when i was alone at home with him , in his room when he was confined to his bed . I was at the side of him when he looked at me and placed a hand at the side of my face . his eyes were wet but he wasn't tearing . and he didn't say a thing . he just held my face . and it broke my heart . he didn't have to say a word to tell me he knew he was dying . he knew . and he looked so sad knowing that he was leaving . and i just wanted to do something about it , but again , i couldnt .

because i know how bad it feels , i wish no one ever would .

he was just such a great person .

gong . you are so loved . x